I’ve been realizing that a large portion of my anxiety stems from my fear of being judged, and then rejected. On a deep and instinctual level, I believe that if people see (for example) that my kids have messy hair, or that I’m less than composed, or that I make mistakes on the piano; they will see me as less than acceptable and toss me aside. The other option is that they will pity me, and take me on as a service project. I have to earn other people’s love.
It’s not true. It’s really not.
I am not surrounded (entirely) by people who are looking down on me, criticizing me in their minds. I don’t deserve to be punished for being less than perfect. And it is possible that people will befriend me simply because they actually like me. I know these things, and yet I don’t.
My brain needs some reprogramming and it’s going to take me possibly forever to do that. Because I’ve come to know and question my normal/automatic thoughts, and I crave the changes that can happen once I abandon them.
I want to be free to make mistakes, and still believe I have worth. I want to see friendship with clear eyes, without skepticism. I want to know that I am a person worth loving unconditionally. I want to stop judging myself, because then I won’t worry who else is judging me.