Judging

I’ve been realizing that a large portion of my anxiety stems from my fear of being judged, and then rejected.  On a deep and instinctual level, I believe that if people see (for example) that my kids have messy hair, or that I’m less than composed, or that I make mistakes on the piano; they will see me as less than acceptable and toss me aside.  The other option is that they will pity me, and take me on as a service project.  I have to earn other people’s love.

It’s not true.  It’s really not.

I am not surrounded (entirely) by people who are looking down on me, criticizing me in their minds.  I don’t deserve to be punished for being less than perfect.  And it is possible that people will befriend me simply because they actually like me.  I know these things, and yet I don’t.

My brain needs some reprogramming and it’s going to take me possibly forever to do that.  Because I’ve come to know and question my normal/automatic thoughts, and I crave the changes that can happen once I abandon them.

I want to be free to make mistakes, and still believe I have worth.  I want to see friendship with clear eyes, without skepticism.  I want to know that I am a person worth loving unconditionally.  I want to stop judging myself, because then I won’t worry who else is judging me.

 

About ambrwaves

I'm a mom of four young kiddos, and basically I just figure things out as I go.
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