Today, Taesya hiked to the big waterfall of Adam’s Canyon. I wish I could have seen it, but she went with her Activity Days’ group, and I wouldn’t have been able to make it that far. But I’m really proud of her for doing something that hard. She’s getting so big, so mature. This conscientious part of her just kind of snuck up on me. I love her very much. It’s funny that I celebrate these milestones but also feel sad about them. I don’t want her to move on yet, but I do. It’s difficult to explain.
The other three kids went to grandma’s house to swim and play. I like when I see them all in a row together, like I did as I left mom’s house.–their cute blonde/brown hair, little bodies, similar faces. My kids are really cute, by the way. And they all love me; they love snuggling and saying, “I love you.” I hope that I give them enough affection. There are so many times that I’m stressed and I can’t have anyone touching me. I worry that I push them away too much. I wonder if they know I love them.
I drove to Midvale to get a pedicure and sit in one of my most favorite places: the meditation room at Sego Lily Day Spa. It’s quiet there, except for the sound of water. It’s warm and the chairs and pillows are soft. I used to try and imagine myself there when I needed an escape, as a therapy tool; maybe I should try to do that again.
I’m not the person that I want to be. And I can’t meet the expectations I have for myself. I live most of the day wondering if I’m disappointing someone: my kids, Ben, whomever I speak to. I leave a conversation reviewing whether I was awkward, whether I offended the other person, whether they honestly like me. There’s too much in my head for me to just live. I want to breathe, and smile genuinely. I want to see life as clear and hopeful. I want that so much.
I want to climb a mountain with my family, and for my body to feel strong and energetic. I want to hug and kiss my family so much that they get sick of it. I want to be so much better that what I am.
I believe that Heavenly Father sees goodness in me, because He knew me before I was born. He knows what I am capable of. I don’t have to worry that I’ll disappoint him, because He is so patient, and so loving, and He understands my struggles. I know that He likes me, with depression and anxiety, out of shape and needing a haircut. He can see into my heart and know that I’m trying so so hard.
My heart is sad right now, so that’s all I can write. Feeling a little bit of hope, and a lot of fatigue.