Hey y’all

Posted on April 28, 2012 by ambrwaves

What cha been doin’ lately?  I’ve been scheduling a lot, it seems.  Scheduling appointments, planning babysitters, and just thinking about hours in the day way more than I should.  And that does not help my anxiety level.

But the good news is that my chillins are rediscovering the backyard.  The warm weather draws them out into the dirt (which was a garden one year) where they are digging a hole to grandma’s house.  Today, they filled that hole with buckets and buckets of water from the kiddie pool.  I saw the process and heard in my mind that little bat from Anastasia, “This can only end in tears,” but decided not to intervene.

I learned something about myself in therapy yesterday.  I am afraid terrified of making mistakes in life.  So I plan and I prepare and I worry and I make lists and I stress and I clench my jaw and I lose sleep and I avoid failure and I paralyze my life.  I am so afraid of messing up in so many things, and I’m not letting myself live.  Truly.  Sooooo, I am telling myself now, “It’s ok to mess up.  It’s ok to make mistakes.”  And I’m going to work on that.

I’m doing ok, my kids are ok, Ben too.  In fact, I looked at this baby ^ today and told her thank you so much for being born.  Because she is a blessing times twenty.  To have a person like that loving me–what more could I ever ask for?

Also, Read John 16.  It made me feel peaceful and happy today.

Posted in Goals, Kidsos, Mind, Spirit | 2 Comments

A cautionary tale

Posted on April 24, 2012 by ambrwaves

Advice to you, my dear friends:

I share this with you that I may save you a bit of heartache and pain.  First, do not lock your keys in your vehicle.  Especially if you happen to have the spare keys in your vehicle as well.  Because then you can’t call home to ask anyone there to bring those spare keys to come save you.

Also, don’t leave your cell phone in that locked vehicle.  Because then you have to use the gas station phone, because the pay phone is broken, but perhaps the gas station attendant is a kind lady and takes pity on you.  And if you do call home, once realizing that no one at home can come to your rescue, the people at home can call the insurance company and arrange a locksmith.

Hooray for the locksmith, you might think.  And hooray for a cozy gas station to wile away your time in.  But truly, my dear dear friend, I must advise you to beware of long periods of time in gas stations.  There are no chairs in gas stations; also, there is nothing to do there.  But if you have money, you may buy things.  Like food.

If, my friend, you ever intend to leave your keys, yeah, even both sets of your keys in your vehicle, make sure that you have purchase a thief-friendly vehicle, unlike the Toyota Sienna.  For though the Sienna may not look like much of an impressive vehicle, it can in fact, keep out many a thief, and even many a locksmith.  It’s true.

I have in fact witnessed this impressive feat myself.  But just as I had returned into the gas station to purchase a People magazine, ready to hunker down for another round of waiting and waiting–Behold!!! The Locksmith had beaten the monster!  The Sienna had lost and my keys were returned to me!  And everyone around shouted with joy.

I survived this ordeal, my friends, but I do not wish it upon any of you.  You protect those keys, you keep your spare far away from it’s friend, and most of all you must beware the Toyota Sienna.  Those two hours I will never get back.  I do not wish to think upon that gas station again, but I am grateful to that kind attendant, who let me use her phone, and who took pity upon me.  Take care, my friends, take care.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Captured Joy

Posted on April 19, 2012 by ambrwaves

I used to record a piece of joy or gratitude every day, and I have slacked off in a major way.  But I do have a couple days to share.  I’m trying to notice the little things….

On Friday, I smiled watching Jovie scoot toward the bathroom at the sound of the bathwater.  And, completely unrelated, the guacamole we had with our quesadillas made the night feel like some kind of special occasion.

My seven-year-old daughter Tae said, on Saturday, that she likes hanging out with me. I like hanging out with her, too. Watching her in dance class made me laugh and smile.

On Sunday, Keller licked the outside of an envelope to seal it shut.  Ha.

Monday was Jovie’s hearing test at the Health Department and we had the waiting room to ourselves.  She found the toys very interesting; I laughed at her playing and was quite impressed by her scooting speed.

At the City Pet Club, on Tuesday, I was really glad to have solid evidence that Lacey likes it there, when I saw her greet a staff member supper happy, wagging her tail and trying to squeeze in between her legs.

Today looked like a rainy day, but graciously the sun come through the clouds for my photo shoot this evening and I got a few select shots of three energetic little boys.

*** On Tuesday, My Grandma Mortensen passed away.  She’s been suffering from dementia for a long time and hasn’t really been the smiley grandma that she used to be.  It makes me happy to know that she’s in heaven and can watch her great-grandchildren, remembering all their names and enjoying them the way she wants to.  I got to spend a lot of time with family on Tuesday and I just wanted to give lots of affection.  Days like that help you focus on the people you love and hold them close.  I love my grandma very much.

When Tae was Born

Posted in Kidsos, Mind, Spirit, dog | 2 Comments

My illness

Posted on April 11, 2012 by ambrwaves

Please forgive if this sounds like a bunch of mush.

I was just looking over the list of blog posts I haven’t read, from all my favorite bloggy bloggers; I’ve gotten behind.  And I haven’t really written much myself.  It’s because my brain is a messy place.

I’m in the process of figuring out my depression again.  And, finally confirmed by someone with an MD, my high level of anxiety.  So I’m in this crappy stage where I try out different medications and speak with a variety of knowledgable professionals to get me feeling stable, calm, “normal.”  I kind of hate the fact that I have to deal with this, and it feels like a giant step backward to be going to therapy again.  But I know that life is long and that we have lots of time to learn and develop and grow.

Part of me wants to hide under a rock when I’m not in a good place mentally.  But another part of me really wants to share my experiences, and help people to understand.  Mental illness is a real thing.  I’m not lazy or whiney or doing something wrong.  I’m trying my best to be a good person, and it just so happens that, for whatever reason, I have this trial in my life.  And it’s a trial that I can’t deal with all by myself; so I’m getting help.

Don’t know what else I really want to say.  Just that I’m working on a lot, and that I haven’t disappeared.  And that everybody has things they’re dealing with, so be loving and kind to as many people as you can.  Whatever that big trial in your life is, right now, I’m sending out hopeful vibes to you.  You’re gonna be ok.

Posted in Mind | 5 Comments

Happy happy

Posted on April 7, 2012 by ambrwaves

Ok, so at this moment, I feel super happy and awesome about myself.  (My face literally hurts from smiling.)  My therapist says to record the things that make me happy.  ”Aye aye, therapist!” I say.

Those that live in my home would be surprised to read this, because I was not a happy momma today.  Hmm.  Do better tomorrow.

Back to happy——-My sweet and supportively pushy husband placed an ad on Craiglist this week, saying that I would be willing to take photographs for free to build my portfolio and give me experience.  People responded quickly and my schedule filled up! I’ve had two sessions this week (with another tomorrow) and I’m having a b-l-a-s-t.  First of all, these people are so grateful for the chance to have professional photos taken, some for the first time in their lives.  They are so happy with the photos I take and just gush compliments–it makes me feel so good.  And it is helping me to gain confidence as a photographer.

When I came home from my shoot this evening and said goodnight to our new babysitter, she was so so nice to me.  (We’re used to fairly chilled/shy babysitters.)  This girl was very friendly, and she told me that I look amazing for having had four children.  That is my absolute favorite thing to hear!  Sometimes I feel like an old lady, and it’s so nice to be reminded I’m still Amber.

Developing a talent is sweet, talking to new people is great, and compliments rock my socks.  What a happy Amber I am.  This weekend is Easter and Tae’s birthday, so I’m looking forward to many many smiles in my home, including mine.  I really hope that improving my self-esteem will help me to be a better person, a better wife, a better mom.

www.broken-images.com

Posted in Goals, Hubby, Kidsos, Mind | 6 Comments